It's not even Halloween, and maybe you're already dreading Thanksgiving. If family gatherings mean bracing for your deadname, questions about your partner, or an argument over the stuffing, you're not being dramatic.
You're far from alone
Holiday stress is common. In a 2025 American Psychiatric Association poll, 41% of U.S. adults said they expected more holiday stress than the year before, up from 28% in 2024. Nearly half worried about grief or missing someone, and about one in three worried about challenging family dynamics or feeling lonely.
The same poll had some good news, too. More people said the holidays have a positive effect on their mental health than in the previous two years.
Why it can hit harder for queer and trans folks
For many queer and trans people, family gatherings can bring:
Being misgendered or deadnamed by relatives
Partners who aren't welcome, or are welcomed awkwardly
Going back into the closet for a weekend
Misgendering isn't a small thing. In a large Canadian survey of nonbinary adults, 58% said they felt very or quite upset when misgendered, and more frequent misgendering was linked to higher anxiety. The researchers also noted that deciding when to be out and when to hide can protect your safety while adding its own strain. So if your body starts tensing up weeks ahead, that makes sense.
Decide what you want before you go
Start with the big question: do you want to go at all? Skipping, going for part of the day, or hosting your own gathering are all real options. If you do go, it can help to get clear on:
How long you'll stay
What you're willing to talk about, and what's off the table
Who at the gathering feels like an ally
Make an exit plan
Having a way out can make it easier to stay. Drive yourself if you can. Agree on a code word with your partner or a friend. Consider a hotel instead of your childhood bedroom. Give yourself permission to leave early.
Have a few scripts ready
You don't need a speech. Short and calm usually works best:
"It's Sam now. Thanks for using it."
"I'm not going to talk about that today. How's work going?"
"We're going to head out. Love you, see you next time."
If setting limits brings up guilt, I wrote more about that in How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt.
Care for yourself in the moment
Step outside for fresh air. Text a friend who gets it. Take a bathroom break and breathe slowly for a minute. Notice where you're holding tension and let your shoulders drop.
Make room for chosen family
Some of the best holidays happen outside the family you were born into. A Friendsgiving, a queer potluck, or a quiet day with your partner and your pets can be just as meaningful. You get to build traditions that feel like home.
Plan your recovery
Whatever happens, schedule time afterward to decompress. A slow morning, a walk, a favorite show. If you're in therapy, consider booking a session shortly before and after the holidays.
Let's talk
If holiday anxiety is already creeping in, you don't have to white knuckle your way through the season. I'm a queer, trans affirming therapist offering online therapy in Texas, Colorado, and Michigan. Learn more about anxiety therapy or schedule a free consultation.
